Warning: This post will burst your bubble if you think marriage should be happily ever after and all that jazz. Yes, of course, we aim to have a happy and fulfilling marriage but it does come with a price.
Read on especially you are someone who is beginning to say,
I do not expect marriage to be this way,
I do not expect my partner to be that way,
I do not expect to have the kind of challenges I am facing now..
or if you are about to get married thinking it will be a fairy tale ending.
Taadaa! You are married and guess what? Now you got yourself a life companion!
Life companion? How daunting. I mean I get it, don’t we have our own life to deal with and now I am stuck with another human being and I have to dedicate my entire life span with him/her? Initially, in most cases, especially during the honeymoon period and usually within a few months of marriage, life with a new partner seemed rosy, sweet and often felt like living in a fairy tale story. However, fairy tales do not depict what life will be like after a wedding.
Weddings are usually made grand in my culture and I personally do not really agree to the way weddings are held. It is frankly in my opinion, a waste of money. Why spend so much on one forgettable occasion when the real deal is life after marriage? You will need more money for the future and to set a life together and sadly most elders do not understand this. Sometimes culture and being too concern about what others will say overtakes logic and in the end who suffers? It is the bride and grooms themselves!
They will have to feel the pinch of having to support the essential expenses like bills, food, transport, education, a shelter, retirement, and the list goes on. Maybe the elders will feel offended by this post but feelings aside, this is a logical fact. I had seen how even proceeding with the elder’s request to have a grand wedding ruined relationships and families too! Either way, there would be resentment and upsets when marriage was to be held beyond the bride and groom’s affordability.
I have been through three marriages to know that the wedding reception is just fluff. On my third marriage, I did not have any reception held for my side and I did not invite any of my relatives for this third wedding despite knowing that they would happily attend and celebrate the happy occasion with me. I was not willing to fork out a single cent to host a wedding as I have two children to care for and expenses are rising. My mom had also passed away the month before my wedding and although it was a sad and tragic loss for me and my siblings, her departure was a blessing in disguise for a warranted excuse for me to keep a low profile for my third wedding. My late mother had supported my wish to keep my wedding simple.
Furthermore, I repeat it is a waste of money. I won’t mind having it in a mosque and give out packed food. Why not? Still a hassle. Passed.
I am anal about practicing simplicity in Islam. Islam encourages simplicity and discourages causing inconvenience to others. To hold another reception on my end would be a huge inconvenience for me and I did not want to stress myself unnecessarily.
Marriage in Islam consists of a Mahar, two witnesses and a wali/qadi to marry off the bride. Simple! A wedding reception is optional, the rest is cultural.
Don’t get me wrong I am not all against couples who are able to afford a decent wedding. If you have all the money to spend and that makes you happy please go ahead! I’d be glad to be your guest too!
I am just against debt and squeezing out your one and only life savings over a one day occasion and having to struggle throughout life afterward. I was a financial consultant and had met different families to review their finances, I had witnessed how weddings that were being held merely to please the elders and to be culturally compliant could upset a family’s economy badly! Take my word, such, was not worth a single cent and it was not even worth the memories. The bride and groom bit their lips wishing that they could survive what lies ahead of them after the wedding, especially with debts ready to come back and bite them.
OK so marriage isn’t exactly a bed of roses so what is it, a distant relative once told me to not expect marriage to be a bed of roses, because, for her case, marriage is like a bed of thorns. Yes, it was obvious because she was constantly at loggerheads with her husband and all-grown-up children!
After having gone through two divorces, I began to look into myself to understand the situation in my previous marriages better. No doubt I was faced with many obstacles and challenges and all my friends and colleagues who knew what I went through could not even imagine the magnitude and chain of events that befell me. Loss of loved ones, major illnesses, migrating to a different country, adapting to sudden lifestyle changes, depression and more! It was not my justification for divorce. Shit happened and so what next?
I stopped blaming myself initially and then I looked back and learned where I could learn from and also to identify what did not work in my previous marriages. I learned a lot and I feel that today I have a lot to offer in my current and hopefully a lasting marriage. More details will be shared in my book and you will know what are the things you can do to have a wonderful married life with your partner.
Some of what I have learned from my previous marriages is,
to not let others interfere with your matrimonial decisions such as decided for your family on which house to buy, which job the husband should go for and many more. It may seem trivial or harmless because after all, other people meant no harm and they wanted the best for you, but if you continuously allow others to make decisions for your own family, you will eventually lose control of your own household and you will lose sight of your matrimonial goals altogether. It will result to a feeling of being unfulfilled and unhappy. Worst is you might end up blaming the person if things did not go well after having listened to their recommendations or ideas.
Trust your partner. Husbands should trust their wives and the wives should trust their husbands. Lets not think about betrayals and broken trusts. Having no trusts destroy relationships.
Forgive mistakes and support your partner from repeating the same mistakes. Your partners are no saints and are not perfect like a princess or a prince in a fairy tale. They have flaws, shortcomings, bad habits and quirks that could possibly annoy you. Your partner is allowed to make mistakes. Give them the room and space to make mistakes and try not to overreact to those mistakes no matter how bad it seemed. It is important to stop and think before jumping to baseless conclusions to any mistakes they have made especially when it is as trivial as not cleaning up after themselves. If they ask for forgiveness, be willing to forgive them over such a small harmless matter and do not fret over such matters. Seriously, as long as the matter does not cause harm to you or people around you it is not worth keeping grudges or carry the upset throughout the marriage.
There’s more that I would like to share and it will be very lengthy. Do stay tune to my book launch to learn more on how to manage your expectation towards your partner and how to keep a balance in dealing with upsets and challenges.
It will be a rocky ride for sure, equipped with the necessary knowledge on how to overcome the storm, you will survive the ordeal till the end together with your partner for life.
I request for more married couples to come forward to share some tips on what works in their marriage too because it will save more marriages from ending up in divorce!
I am sharing and will continue to share because I have helped a number of relationships from all walks of life and sharing generously about my life works! Let’s make this world a better place together.
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